See Where I Might Land – SoCS

The prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS) is: “let go.” Write about the first thing that comes to mind when you think “let go.” Enjoy!


I’m about 36 hours late on my SoCS because, well, I just couldn’t “let go” yesterday.

I had it SO firmly affixed in my mind what had to be done, what was expected to be done, what I THOUGHT was PROBABLY expected to be done (there’s a whole blog entry in that one alone), that I never “let go” and did the ONE THING I know gets my day off to a pretty predictably good start:

Writing.

Why in the world (you might ask) would I FAIL to do something I knew would help ensure a good day for myself?

Pretty freaking good question.

And yet, my life is story after story, year after year, of one missed opportunity after another where I failed to “let go” of something I thought I could CONTROL in order to make way for the thing I knew had a good chance of making me happy.

Stupid.

But don’t we ALL do this? Yes? Please? Tell me I’m not alone here.

You don’t have to tell me. I know I am not alone.

If there were a syndrome out there (they could name it after me) where a person’s entire life (both good and bad) was a result of “avoiding any loss of control or even APPEARANCE of loss of control”, that would be my syndrome.

Kohns’ Paralyzing Loss of Control Syndrome.

K-PLoCS TM

I’m so afraid of losing control.

For HUNDREDS of reasons, both good and bad (mostly bad, I’m learning). What are some of those reasons?

  • fear of the unknown – pain? loss? rejection? embarrassment? (notice how I don’t list anything GOOD that might actually happen – it’s a K-PLoCS thing)
  • fear of being overrun by the things/people I’ve sought to control
  • fear of being “found out” as a fraud of a human

It’s mostly about fear. You may have caught that. Most of my readers are pretty smart. Kudos to you – for being smart, and for “getting” me. It’s people like you who help me, little by little, day by day, “LET GO” of things and realize one, extremely vital thing that I failed to acknowledge for the first half-century of my life:

You can let go, and you PROBABLY won’t die.

Everything on your “to do” list won’t get done either, but you won’t die.

One of our pastors ended a sermon a few months back with something like this:


“You’ve already survived the greatest failure of your life”

Rev. Bethany Peerboldt

Think about that.

OK, I’LL think about that.

I seek to control and refuse to let go because I am literally afraid of being DESTROYED. Yet, over the years, in spite of my best white-knuckled efforts, I’ve lost control of “The Ben Narrative” and “things” snuck out into the real world. They were painful. They were embarrassing. According to the “warning label” on K-PLoCS, I should have been destroyed.

But I’m still here. And stronger than ever.

Huh.

And here’s the thing: Each time I survive, each time I’m not destroyed, I find it just a little bit easier to “let go” the next time. And each time I let go, I experience a little more life. Real life.

Uncontrolled life.

Dangerous, yes, but oh, so important. Dare I say necessary?

Yes. I dare say it.

The failure to let go, the need to control everything, has two very real truths:

  • Control is an illusion. “Life” will escape my control whether I spin and twirl to my utmost to make it not so. And when it goes out of control while I seek to contain it, I will despair.
  • Letting go of control frees me to experience life as it’s meant to be experienced. Wild. Scary. Beautiful. Ecstatic.

So yesterday, I didn’t let go. I kept pushing towards the “should do” items over the couple of things I KNOW I “NEED to do” in order to be at my best.

Yes, I got things done. But what did I miss by not writing this yesterday? How might my mood have been different by working on my “chores” after feeding my soul with the daily reading and writing I enjoy so much?

I will never know. Because I didn’t.

This seems like no big deal, but yesterday is a microcosm of a lifetime of things I didn’t do FOR ME because I couldn’t “let go” of what I believed everyone else needed and wanted from me.

Obviously, I can’t go back and let go of things I didn’t let go of at the time. But I can work on letting go now and in the future…

And see where I might land.


SoCS comes from the website of Linda G. Hill.

Here are the rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing (typos can be fixed), and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

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