For the first time in months, I find myself wordless.
The upside is that “wordless” is not making me feel “worthless”.
Those who know me are aware of my areas of confidence:
- My “Smarts”
- My “Way with words”
Beyond that, I’m probably out there flailing, hoping for some affirmation or validation. Then, of course, when I get the craved compliment or encouragement, I don’t believe it or somehow diminish it.
It’s an awesome inner contradiction.
So, when BOTH of my confidence areas seemingly fail me (smart. words.), where am I to go?
Well, these days, I still get on the computer and write. Sometimes a simple haiku or stream of consciousness blog is all it takes to get it done. And when I get it done, it generally jumpstarts my day.
Not always. Some days I’ll crawl back under a rock and hide from the world. I NEARLY wrote “pity myself”, but that’s not what it is. I’m an EXTREME introvert (to the surprise of many), and sometimes just keeping to myself is the best self-care I can do.
I just finished “Try Softer” by Aundi Kolber, and I highly recommend it to ANYONE who (like me) specializes in the “Try Hard, Then Give Up” cycle. Turns out there are REALLY GOOD REASONS trying hard doesn’t work, and there are ESPECIALLY GOOD REASONS why hating yourself for failing at trying hard is so damaging and hindering to any recovery (of pretty much anything). SELF-CARE, COMPASSIONATE SELF-ATTENTION, are big parts of her work.
I’m going to throw in a couple more advertisements (Public Service Anouncements?) here while I’m at it:
I read “Try Softer” as part of an online book club. Led by Steve Austin, he has picked some GREAT books that square mental health with faith (even if you’ve only got a little bit of faith left – most of us there are in some stage of deconstruction), and I am finding it INVALUABLE. It’s also becoming expensive, as each book I read generally results in me being 2-4 more copies and sending them to people I think of as I read (you’re welcome?).
If the idea of “therapy” scares you, this could be a good “dip your toe in the water” opportunity.
Here’s the info:
Steve also has a mental health “coaching”program (not therapy, but a goods start at looking at how you “tick” and possibly determining “Dang, I need therapy’)
By the way – EVERYONE NEEDS THERAPY.
I see my own therapist, I do Steve’s coaching program, “Pathway to Peace”, I’m part of the book club, and I have my own writing/journaling activities that all work (not really so mysteriously) together to have me in a pretty good space right now.
Here is the info on Pathway to Peace. It’s currently closed because we are mid-course, but it will repeat. Get signed up for his newsletters, and you will get notifications when another is starting:
Steve has a story I specifically relate to – from the minute we crossed paths on Twitter (still not exactly sure how that happened…) I knew we had a connection, and we do.
But even if YOUR story doesn’t directly sync with his, the principles of his work WILL, and it you join the book club and/or the Pathway to Peace coaching course, you will find people who have walked your walk, even if you think you are the ONLY person to EVER walk your walk.
I guarantee it.
Have a great weekend!