#SOCS – I Met a Mutt on a Mitt, but Not on a Mat. A Bon Mot? I Think Not.

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Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “mat/met/mitt/mot/mutt.” Choose one or use them all, any way you’d like in your post. Have fun!

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Read the title. Maybe a few times.

That’s all I’m doing with the prompt today. I got nuthin’.

Which is why I need to write.

You see, it’s happened again.

Life was going swimmingly.

I had even managed to silence that nagging voice that says “It can’t stay good much longer. The other shoe will drop.”

Turns out, silencing the voice doesn’t stop it from happening.

The shoe drops.

Or… did I drop the shoe?

Life WAS going swimmingly. I had made some really, REALLY, difficult decisions and major life-changes and had managed not to die. (To all of my past English teachers, I apologize for the horrid verb tense structure of that last sentence – “had managed not to die”? Really? It’s stream of consciousness day – I can’t change it. Sigh).

Anywho… Tough decisions, and I didn’t die. In fact, I was happy. Super happy. Yay!

So, you know, I stopped doing everything that got me there in the first place.

I stopped cultivating important relationships.

I stopped writing.

I stopped coloring.

I stopped seeing my therapist.

I stopped going to my weekly support group.

I stopped daily centering exercises – breathing, guided meditation, etc.

I cut back on some of my medications, because, you know, maybe I don’t need them now that I’m living my authentic self and feeling awesome…

What the ACTUAL HELL was I thinking?

(I no longer think there is an actual hell, but that’s a different post for a different day).

So, guess what? I crashed. Hard.

So, so, hard.

I’m losing time, I’m getting lost in my own neighborhood. I’ll hunt for an email or text that I thought was from yesterday and find it was a week ago. I’m dropping things left and right at work (Ben Kohns does NOT do that). I sobbed like a baby this week, and the last time I cried was Sandy Hook. My 17 year old was in first grade at the time. You do the math.

So.

I’m writing. At 6:30 AM On a Sunday morning after the hideous spring time change, which means it feels like 5:30 AM.

But I have to do this. I must.

I can’t sit around “waiting for the other shoe to drop” when I’m actively (or inactively) throwing the shoe at the ground with my own actions (or inaction).

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got right now. Baby steps.

I’m going to go color.

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#SoCS comes from the website of Linda G. Hill.

Here are the rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing (typos can be fixed), and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.