Yesterday I wrote about “rough drafts” – pieces and parts of articles in my inbox that are so emotionally raw to me and likely hurtful to people I love that I fear putting them out into the world.
Sometimes the writing IS just for me. And that’s OK.
But I’m tackling one today for several reasons:
- “Have you found a church home yet?”
- (tired of hearing it; tired of dodging the question)
- My Facebook “Intro” says, “May it never be said of me – ‘I didn’t know where he stood’.”
- (many of you don’t know where I stand on this)
- Apparently 80% of evangelical “Christians” think Donald J. Trump is not only fit for the presidency (again) but is also somehow “God’s man for the job”.
- (OH, HELL NO.)
- I need to help myself understand why I devolve into heart palpitations and nervous sweats at the thought of going to church.
- (and possibly provide a cautionary tale for others)
Here, then, is “On Why I Can’t “Church” Right Now”:
CUZ I CAN’T.
Just kidding; I’ll try harder.
Church was my everything. God and godliness were my everything. Jesus and Christ-likeness were my everything. None of this is bad in and of itself; it’s when the trappings of certain religious practices coincided with my:
- crippling lack of self-worth
- off-the-charts perfectionism
- pathological need to “please” God into granting “the desires of my heart”
- unwanted homosexuality
Those mesh into some toxic shit, let me tell you. The truly insidious part of it, however, is that while you’re IN the church (and I should qualify: the fundamentalist/holiness/conservative evangelical church), you believe that the church is the answer to the list above.
It’s not.
In fact, the churches I (willingly) threw myself into exacerbated all of my inadequacies.
Church attendance on Sunday morning, Sunday evening, Wednesday evening, Thursday youth group, early morning men’s Bible studies, accountability partners (don’t get me started), traveling “evangelists” with tent fiascoes that went on for WEEKS (no lie), deliverances/exorcisms, ex-gay “ministries”… only left me feeling so, so broken.
But I kept trying (see #2 above), because I figured if I somehow could master #3, then God would take care of #4, and that would solve #1.
Not only did I attend (gladly and willingly, I remind you) throughout my childhood, when I went to college, I picked a MORE conservative church and ultimately served as a pastor in that denomination for nearly 10+ years.
What the what, Ben?
#2 figured if I somehow could master #3, then God would take care of #4, and that would solve #1.
It doesn’t.
At least, it didn’t for me.
I need to be careful with my broad strokes. This post is about ME. That being said, I think there are millions of church kids (and adults) out there being harmed by this stuff.
Let me also be clear – this “Christianity” is not Christian. People notoriously forget what Jesus actually said and did when developing “articles of religion” and “statements of faith”.
Magic words (often in Hebrew or Greek) to get God to “dispense” God’s spirit is NOT Jesus.
Big houses, big cars, big bank accounts, big hair because God is “blessing” you is NOT Jesus.
Blindly standing behind Israel committing genocide of Palestinians because of some vague notion that Israel needs to exist as a country in order for Jesus to return is NOT Jesus. (Bonus note: evangelical Christians don’t give a rip about actual Jewish people – it’s the existence of the Jewish state in Jerusalem. Jewish people gonna rot in hell (with the homosexuals) unless they “bow the knee” to Jesus.
I could go on. It’s bad.
At least, you know, for me.
Anywho… unless you’ve been under a rock since 2018, I’ve had some pretty significant life changes. A failed suicide attempt brought me to the realization that MAYBE I was doing something wrong, or at the very least, spending time in some really bad environments for my mental and SPIRITUAL health.
Church bad your spiritual health? What?
Yup.
So, I came to terms with my sexuality and publicly came out as gay (2020). It’s worth noting that I was attending a progressive and inclusive church by this point. It would never have happened in my earlier churches. Ever. And over the course of the next few years, my wife and I separated, ultimately divorced, and I now live with my partner (he’s a man, shhhh).
In the process of moving out, I no longer had a church to attend (I loved and love my friends at First Presbyterian Church of Birmingham, but attending with my ex-wife and her mother felt beyond awkward), and not attending felt REALLY GOOD at the time. It still does. I’m not interested in messing with that right now.
Then there are the Trumpers. I can’t/won’t carry the “Christian” label when I constantly have to explain why I’m a “Christian” but not pro-gun, anti-abortion, anti-LGBTQ+, pro-Israel, and riding atop the Trump Train to Fascist America.
Tired of it. Stepping away. No promises that I’m coming back – at least to what YOU may think “coming back” looks like.
Now, if you grew up with me or spent adulthood through my 40’s with me, you’re probably pretty sure I’m going to hell.
But I’m not.
I believe this with all my heart.
But I’m also not going to church.
CUZ I CAN’T.
See?
I could have just stopped there.
defying atrophy 
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